Tips & Tricks for Paruresis: How to Better Handle Your Next Situation

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a well-established method for working through your fear of public restrooms. But it takes time to go through the process. So it’s understandable that I'm often asked for tips. Isn't there anything that can help me in the short term?

Personally, I don’t believe there’s a shortcut that lets you avoid facing your fears head-on. But I do believe there are strategies that can make difficult restroom situations more manageable in the meantime. In this article, I want to share three practical approaches with you.

Tip 1: Use the Stalls

So this tip won’t apply to everyone, but it’s relevant for many. It’s for men who mainly struggle at urinals. That was my experience too: things worked fine in the stall, but I was usually too tense to urinate at a urinal.

Like many others, I limited myself unnecessarily. I could have just used the stall every time. So why did I stress myself out, avoid public restrooms, drink less, and endure a full bladder?

Like so many others, I had the belief that men are supposed to use urinals. I wanted to avoid anyone noticing that I always used the stall. I preferred dealing with discomfort over being seen—so I imagined—as “weird.”

Looking back now, that was a ridiculous trade-off.

Urinals — especially the ones without dividers — offer very little privacy. It’s completely okay if you need a little more space or distance to pee comfortably.

So here’s my encouragement to anyone in this situation: Let go of the pressure to use urinals!

Surely you’d agree there’s no rule that says “real men” have to use a urinal. And there’s no law that says you must use one just because the stalls are taken.

From personal experience, I can tell you that no one cares whether you use the urinal or the stall. And even if someone does notice, and even if they make a comment, you can handle it. Just say, “Yeah, I just find stalls more comfortable,” and move on.

I definitely recommend addressing your fear. But if using stalls makes life easier for now, then do it.

Tip 2: Tell Others About the Problem

In my experience, we're particularly concerned about hiding our struggles from friends and acquaintances.

But that also presents an opportunity. With people we know, we can talk. If we tell them about our paruresis, we take away the pressure of keeping it secret.

Hey, I want to share something — it might be a little weird, but it’s something I struggle with…

Starting that kind of conversation is easier said than done. It’s an intimate topic, and it’s not easy to show vulnerability.

So try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you react if someone opened up to you about something they’re struggling with? I’m sure you’d be understanding and want to help. And you’d probably feel honored that someone trusted you enough to share something so personal.

When I think about opening up, I remember a road trip with friends. That kind of situation can be incredibly stressful if you have paruresis. During the drive, you’re thinking: how bad is the restroom at the next rest stop? Can I hold it until the one after that?

When you finally arrive, everyone heads straight for the bathroom—and you’ve got a tiny window of time to go.

Now imagine how much easier it would be if your friends knew. Then you could say, maybe with a smile, “You guys go ahead. You know I prefer to go alone and might take a little longer.”

Suddenly, there’s nothing to hide—and a lot less pressure.

I also believe that opening up has real therapeutic value. Beyond the practical benefits — like during the road trip — you also get a chance to learn that your fears are exaggerated. We often have this overwhelming fear that someone might notice our problem in a public restroom. But when someone responds kindly (and in my case, that’s always been true!), you realize your fear isn’t as shameful or ridiculous as you thought. It’s okay for someone to know.

Tip 3: Just Go

Here’s a commitment you can make to yourself for your next outing: the moment you think about needing to pee, go. Even if it’s not urgent yet — just go as soon as the thought pops into your head.

When we need to use a restroom in an unfamiliar place, paruresis often makes our imagination run wild. We start imagining the restroom.

How big is it? Are there dividers between urinals? Is it going to be crowded?

No surprise — the longer we think about it, the worse it gets.

The more time we spend imagining the worst, the more anxious we become. And by the time we finally force ourselves to go, we’re so stressed out that peeing becomes even harder.

If you head to the restroom right when the thought arises, your chances of success improve. You’ll also immediately see what the restroom is like. And no restroom is ever as bad as the one you’ve spent hours dreading in your head.

The Sustainable Path to Improvement

As I mentioned at the beginning, cognitive behavioral therapy is a well-established treatment for paruresis. I describe the full process in this article: How Can I Overcome Paruresis?

I really want to encourage you to take this long-term approach to confronting your fear. If you’d prefer to start without a therapist, my self-help program can guide you through this process.